My thought wander to many places as I reflect on the summer this far. From where has this month gone to where is the future leading me. I have felt both overwhelmed and
have found myself checking out from the stress of the reality of my sons disease. I don't ask the question "Why did this happen," and I don't tell myself "Things happen for a reason." I just find myself moment by moment hoping my son would feel better, trying to comfort him in his pain and wishing he could just be Lincoln again.
There is so much we have already learned but there is so much coming our way that we cannot be prepared for on our own. One of those things is that Lincoln and Jenny will be spending some more time in the hospital while I am working and Emma is with friends and family. Summer time should not be a time for families to be apart, but spent as much time together outside in the sun. I find myself wishing I could work from home or even the office which is walking distance from my house, but I am on the road as far as 50 miles away and committed to my job site. It seems like the worst place to be when I get the call that he has a fever and is going to the ER. We have to expect this will happen in the next year of treatment, but we won't wait for things to fall in place. A fever is a threat to his life, and that is too hard to swallow.
There is so much I still need to learn. I can't depend on Jenny to know everything even though she know 1000 things more already. I want to know all I can too but I have so much my mind is consumed with, I just don't have the capacity for all of this and my mind begins to wander toward nothingness.
All I can hope for is that the information we are given by the doctors will be our guide toward curing our son, and that is the path we will choose to follow.
I can already feel the lack of desire to know anything else right now, even on Facebook which is one of my favorite places to be with friends and family. There just isn't room for anything else right now, because my thoughts can't be wandering around aimlessly for the next year of treatment. He is my one son and my life is devotes to him above all.