Why me? Why is this happening to my son? Is there a reason for this? Does not God have plans for his future many years from now?
How is this possible after all that has happened to my family in this short amount of time? What are the odds? When will this nightmare end? When will I be able to dream for my son again?
These are the many questions that have been like rapid fire throughout my mind this month. There has been fear, anxiety, sleeplessness and tears. There is nothing that can stop these kinds of questions in this situation now that cancer has entered our world.
There have been other thoughts to like: how will this affect my job with the amount of hours I have to work (57-70 a week) How will I support my already low budget lifestyle? How will this affect my marriage or the relationship with my daughter? How can I tell my daughter that her brother has a life threatening illness? How would she cope since she has already lost her cousin only a year older than her? How many tens of thousands will we end up paying for treatment? When will Lincoln be himself again?
Many more questions and never ending thoughts of how this will play out over the next 3-4 years.
How much will my wife and son be in the hospital? How will our schedule work when Emma goes back to school? When will Lincoln and I ever be able to go back to church? When will he be able to go to any public places where germs abound? How many times will we rush him to the ER with a temperature of 100.4?
Then there are questions that go to the extreme like, should we move closer to the hospital? What if the cancer spreads to his bone marrow or brain? Will he have to have surgery on his organs? What if something bad happens to Jenny or Emma or I?
These are the things that try to drive fear and pain deep into the heart, but there is hope.
The questions and thoughts I choose to ponder are those that drive me to believe God will do great and miraculous things among All of Us who Believe together.
When Lincoln is cured what will he grow up to be? When he is better where will we travel to? What will Lincoln ask for as part of Make -a-Wish? What will the doctors learn from Lincoln's treatment that will bring them closer to a 100% success rate for this type of cancer? How many people will see that God has written this early chapter of his life to glorify Him much later in his life? How many people will find a way to have faith in God through Lincoln's journey?
This verse that I read in the bible today will now be a staple of hope for my family for now
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (1 4:12-13 NIV)
This is my hope, I hope you will find some with me.