Crushed

Somedays there is just one word that comes to mind. Today that word is hard and heavy. Although it was a day of accomplishment with the unforeseen challenges that I would face, that one word taunted me. The weight, the hurt and the empathy I have for my son try to CRUSH me inside.

I have looked at him many times in his life and told myself that he will be my boy for life. He may be the only one I ever call Son and he will be with me as we grow old. Now my hopes are thinning as I realize that he has a life threatening disease. I can tell myself that my God is in control of our lives but my feelings are real and strong and I cannot deny them.

I have so much and so many to lean on but now that I see two ends to his life, one old and one young, my life feels twisted and battered. Each day when I see his face and in the middle of the night when I serve his needs I know that these are the moments I own, but the feelings reappear. I do not fear when he is so close and I don't cave in when I go to work, but when I see him suffering in the security of his own room, my heart begins to fragment.

I always imagined a moment in my life when everything was stripped away and nothing mattered anymore. Now I live with the reality that it could be. My faith may be shaken in that moment and I may feel like I am just another organism on this evolutionary food chain but regardless of my feelings, these words will remain a timeless truth:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18 NIV)

The Lord is close, so close to those who believe.